Couples work with a difference: Holistic & emotion-focused

Conflicts are part of life and every relationship. It becomes really problematic when we no longer know how to resolve them. We try to talk to each other about it, but each time we get entangled again. Feelings of powerlessness arise, and even if we make peace again and again, the unresolved issues smoulder under the surface and set us back again and again - like a scratch on a record.

A lack of conflict can also become problematic if we are not aware that there are no relationships truly without conflict, only conflict-avoiding ones. Gradually, vague feelings of dissatisfaction and loneliness may creep in, or the feeling of not loving the other person as much as we once did.

No matter what kind of downward spiral we have got ourselves into, it can feel like there’s a hidden snag—a recurring issue that we just can’t seem to untangle.

Couples counseling helps to uncover what’s holding you back and to be able to perceive and understand the relationship dynamics. However, this alone is usually not enough to get the problems under control, as what drives us lies on a deeper level than the one where we can think rationally and solve problems.

The emotions that drive us are often like a primal force that controls us beyond reason - obviously or invisibly - regardless of whether I am the more emotional type or the more rational type. Fear of loss, for example, plays a much greater role in relationship dynamics than we often realize.

The results of scientific research* confirm what I have concluded both from my personal experience and from my work with couples: A fulfilling, stable relationship needs the security of knowing that your partner will stay. Separation anxiety is genetically embedded in us, and it undermines the stability of the relationship if it is denied or condemned.

If we are not sure of the emotional bond, it is almost impossible to refrain from the protective reactions that have long been recognized and that cause conflicts to escalate again and again. Holistic couples work focuses on the heart of the relationship: precisely this emotional bond.

In the couple sessions, I offer the necessary support to recognize what drives us to the protective mechanisms by focusing on the feelings behind them. These feelings are vulnerable and therefore not necessarily easily accessible. Nevertheless, this is precisely where the key to disarmament lies. Attack as well as defense makes my partner feel threatened and driven to arm themselves more. Showing myself vulnerable makes my partner feel safe enough to disarm. And only when the weapons have been laid down is a constructive conversation possible.

The aim is therefore to learn to perceive these feelings, to give them space and to communicate them, and to deal with the conflicts on this basis.

I look forward to seeing you. 

*Love Sense by Sue Johnson. 
For all couples I recommend Sue Johnson’s “Love Sense” as well as “Hold me tight". 

Further recommended reading is “Die Wahrheit beginnt zu zweit” by Michael Lukas Moeller.

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Esther Hombergen

Goltsteinstrasse 21

40211 Düsseldorf

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